Dear survivor leader

October 18, 2022   |   Category: Resources

This movement can be rough on us. Remember that managing other people’s perceptions of you is not your job. Change starts with each of us, and how we choose to engage with each other.

Dear survivor leader: When you challenge harmful cultural or movement norms, people who rely on them for power will be threatened by you. Good job, you fabulous change-maker! We are co-creating the movement we want to become.

Good job, you fabulous changemaker!

Dear survivor leader: Some people will choose to misunderstand you. Continually correcting them is not your ministry. We are co-creating the movement we want to become.

People will often choose to be wrong about you. Sometimes you just need to let them.

Dear survivor leader: You are allowed to make choices about who you want to collaborate with. So are other survivor leaders. We don't always have to align to respect each other's work. We are co-creating the movement we want to become.

We can respect someone’s work and still choose not to engage in collaborations where our values or collaborative styles are not aligned. People who are uncomfortable with setting or receiving boundaries may perceive (and misrepresent) your agency as an attack; this is not yours to manage.

Dear survivor leader: Other survivors may sometimes be cliquish, gossipy, or reactive. You don't have to be. We are co-creating the movement we want to become.

Conflict can be either generative or unproductive. “Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary?” is a good measure for how we talk to about other survivor leaders.

Dear survivor leader: This work is not a popularity contest. You can focus on your work and don't have to be one of the "cool kids." You have innate worth. We are co-creating the movement we want to become.

Feeling unpopular or like we aren’t in the “in crowd” can kick up our old traumas, isolation, and fears. Do you want to be popular, or do you want to be transform the world with your authentic, brilliant light?

Dear survivor leader: The more public your work requires you to be, the more people who don't know you at all will think they know you. Stay grounded in your purpose. We are co-creating the movement we want to become.

As you start to be more well-known, read up on “parasocial relationships.” This can help you process public perceptions of you, and gut-check how you perceive others.

Dear survivor leader: The more public your work requires you to be, the more likely people will be to spread or believe wild rumors about you. Be self-reflective, but stay grounded in your truth. We are co-creating the movement we want to become.

For many of us who developed people-pleasing tendencies, it can feel crushing to be the target of misrepresentations and vitriol. We owe it to our communities to check in with ourselves and take responsibility for our actual actions, but we are not responsible for the version of us that exists solely in other people’s minds.

Tagged: boundaries, NSN orientation, survivor leadership, trauma in the workplace, trauma-informed, Values, Values-based